My mother and father worked as fishermen on a boat. When my mother was pregnant with me, she lived with her in-laws and had a difficult time taking care of six aunts without her husband. This was because my father was often on the boat for three years at a time. Moreover, my mother still doesn't eat well. Perhaps it was because she was mentally exhausted, but anyway, she couldn't eat well and was very stressed due to the environment at that time.
When I was about 3 months old, I cried so much that I went to the hospital and was told that there was nothing wrong with me. At that time, I couldn't drink breast milk and drank formula, but when I drank formula, it came out of my nose. At that time, they didn't take it seriously, thinking, 'Maybe it's just because she's crying, maybe she doesn't want to eat it.' I didn't eat much even when I grew up, and I was a premature baby who was short and underweight. Then, around the time I turned one, I heard that someone's son had water in his ear and had a comprehensive examination, and because I couldn't pronounce words properly and was just babbling, I also had a comprehensive examination at Yeongdong Severance Hospital in Dogok-dong. There, I was diagnosed with cleft palate and had surgery. Because it was a university hospital, I waited for more than 6 months and had surgery when I was four years old. And the following year, when I was 5 years old, I had another surgery at another hospital.
Although I had surgery, I couldn't speak properly, so I received speech therapy for another 3 years, but my cognitive and language skills were lagging behind. I also had speech therapy when I was in kindergarten, but because I couldn't speak properly, I went to kindergarten until I was 8 years old, which was about 3 years. My mother made me do speech therapy until I could speak properly, so I started elementary school a year later than others.
Then, when I was in the second grade of elementary school, my parents divorced, and to make matters worse, they were burdened with debt, and my mother had to pay it off. When my mother couldn't take care of me and my sister, she sent us to live with her maternal grandparents. Until I transferred schools, I lived under the care of my parents, but after transferring schools, I couldn't adapt well to school or home after going to a new school on my mother's side.
The kids at the new school I went to lived in a poor neighborhood in a mountainside village, so when I think about it now, they adapted well, joked well, and had a strong bond with each other. There were many kids with slightly strong speech, energy, and a tendency to spread bad things. I was shy and innocent, so I couldn't get along with the kids, and the degree increased as I went up grades.
During puberty, I became more introverted and shy because I wanted to look good to male students. As I went up grades, I couldn't adapt and started living as an outcast from the 4th grade of elementary school. I didn't like how my grandmother handled things at home, so I didn't get along with my maternal grandmother. Conflicts deepened and it seems like there was no room to breathe. In particular, in the 6th grade, my outcast life was so severe that it was so hard that I hated it.
Since elementary school, I always had number 41 (at this time, the number was assigned based on the birthday), and I wanted to hide that I was a year ahead, but I was upset that everyone knew because the kids told everyone. I'm not the type to actively approach people, but I think I led a more passive school life and had a passive attitude and passive thoughts.
When I went to middle school, I was always number one because the numbers were assigned according to height. I got along with the kids better than in elementary school, but when I think about it now, I don't think I had any real friends. The first classmate I had was about 165cm tall, but I wasn't tall or big, so I was very upset. I couldn't socialize with the kids, and the classmates from elementary school looked down on me because I couldn't express myself properly and came to bully me every break. In particular, they interfered with the atmosphere so that I couldn't make friends that I liked and wanted to be friends with. It was the worst in the first year of middle school, and even when I went to upper grades, if there were gatherings from time to time, they would look down on me and incite the people next to me. I couldn't tell my family (because I wasn't the type to do that), and my grandfather was sick and I lived separately from my mother, so I couldn't communicate well. My grandparents didn't give me any education at all, and I don't think I had the heart to do it either (to be exact, I didn't know and lived stupidly), so I went astray a lot.
In high school, I also wanted to hide my past, couldn't make friends, school life was too overwhelming, and things like dancing were difficult. So I tried to drop out, but I couldn't because of my family's circumstances, and I went to school with difficulty. Moreover, it was too far from my ideals and the human relationships I wanted didn't work out, and I was so tired and exhausted that I was mentally stressed. I couldn't say anything because of my pride, and I was so miserable because I knew that my family was having a hard time until then. In particular, when I had a growth plate test in the 2nd grade of high school and was told that it was closed, I fell into despair, became lethargic, and got worse.
Even when I came to college, I couldn't make friends that I wanted to make, but as I had more free time, I spent more time idling on the internet and TV, comparing myself to others, and feeling relatively deprived when I saw people dating. Anyway, my height was the same as when I was in the 4th grade of elementary school, so I thought, 'I'll grow later,' but when I was told that I couldn't grow anymore, I felt like I resented and hated the whole world and had negative thoughts.
I, who had been exposed to the internet a lot since my school days, casually mentioned the idea of height surgery to my mother when I was in college. But one day, my mother suggested that I have height surgery, so I went to Korea University Guro Hospital, which is said to be the best, and fortunately, I was covered by insurance, so I made a surgery reservation date and had surgery a few months later. I remember the surgery took about 8-9 hours. At that time, my legs were strong, so I didn't feel any pain even after the surgery, but blowing balloons to prevent my lungs from shrinking was difficult because I couldn't even drink water. After about a week, my condition was so good that I could walk to the hospital bathroom for the first time, and I practiced a lot, so I was good enough to walk alone after about 2 weeks.
When I came to my house in Busan, it was not only far away from the hospital, so I couldn't go to the hospital often, but I thought that I would walk well later because I walked well before, so I was careless. It took me 40 minutes to walk to the bathroom, which used to take less than 2 minutes, and my appetite dropped, I didn't want to eat, and it was too mentally and physically difficult and I couldn't handle it. So I had to lengthen it again and rehabilitate, and I didn't practice with the thought of finishing it quickly, so I ended up having ligament surgery. I felt so guilty for doing something wrong, and I resented my mother for not checking carefully next to me. I didn't want to go to the hospital, and I hated the fact that my parents told me to do it, even though the internet said I didn't have to have surgery. The hospital didn't tell me in detail that I would need ligament surgery if I couldn't walk, and they just told me to exercise hard, and I was so lonely at home that I got depressed, and I hated the fact that they took bone marrow from me without my consent and transplanted it to my leg, leaving an ugly scar.
When the hospital performs surgery, they should consult with me sufficiently, tell me that scars will remain, and not do it if I don't want it, but they only consulted with my parents and finished it, and I found out later in a notification manner, so I was so upset and my depression worsened. Also, I didn't want to go outside looking like that, and I didn't want to exercise, so I decided to finish it quickly and do it slowly so that it wouldn't hurt as much as being sick. And I've lived too tired, and it's been mentally difficult because it feels like I'm constantly being pointed out my past and my future is being pointed out, saying, 'You're that kind of person.' Also, I've never exercised at all and tend to ignore and forget the pain, so I think it's been too overwhelming and difficult to recognize the present and do rehabilitation exercises.
These days, I'm eating delicious food and I have a lot of free time, so I'm taking time to think that what's wrong is wrong, and I'm spending time healing by gradually forgetting the things that were difficult in the past. I've had a bad time until now, so I need to strengthen my will and work harder in the hope that things will get better in the future.
